


a hole inside a hurricane

by usernicole



Category: One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF
Genre: Barebacking, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Internalized Misogyny, Lots of Cursing, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, character death is temporary, i'm sorry in advance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-18
Updated: 2014-08-18
Packaged: 2018-02-13 16:35:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2157603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/usernicole/pseuds/usernicole
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Before, Nick would have told everyone that he wouldn't sleep with Louis Tomlinson even if he were the last man on earth. </p><p>Well.</p><p>a <i>This Is The End</i> au</p>
            </blockquote>





	a hole inside a hurricane

**Author's Note:**

> i'm really sorry, emma watson.

**DAY 1**

 

“What the fuck,” Louis says. He has his arms wrapped around the belly of Nick's jack russell. “What the _fuck_.”

“Oh my god,” Nick says, pulling at his hair. “Jesus christ–”

“ _What the fuck?_ ” Louis yells, and then they're screaming incoherently at each other. After a minute, Puppy joins in, howling with her nose pointed towards the ceiling. They're in the foyer of Harry's enormous LA home and every sound they make echoes back. They yell louder.

“Jesus fuck,” Liam yells from where he's been sitting catching his breath on the marble floor with Harry, Niall, and Zayn. “Stop shouting!”

They cut off abruptly, but Puppy continues to howl for a moment, noise slowly dwindling to nothing.

“They just,” Niall says, eyes wide. “They were fucking – beamed up. Like fucking–”

“Star Trek,” Liam says, sounding dazed. “Where did they go?” 

“It's the end of the world,” Nick says. “It has to be. It's the fucking apocalypse.”

“Or it could be like, aliens or summat,” Zayn says. “'Cause of the like, beaming and stuff.”

“It's the Rapture,” Harry says, speaking up for the first time. His headscarf had fallen over during the frantic run into Harry's house, covering his eyes. “Like, God taking up all the good people and leaving the sinners behind.”

“Don't be stupid, Harry,” Louis says. “It's got to be aliens.”

“But, like, the ground,” Niall says. “It was like, cracking and shit. That's proper end of the world-like, yeah?”

“What, so we're all bad people?” Louis sputters. Puppy wriggles around in his arms so he puts her down. She sets off to explore. “Then why am _I_ still here? 

They all look at him.

“Whatever,” he says. “I'm pretty sure like, at least,” he eyes the rest of his band critically, “ _Harry_ would be beamed up.” There's an outcry from the rest of them that Louis just waves off. “He's all like, spiritual and shit.”

“No but he's right,” Nick says, idly nudging Puppy away from where she's biting at his shoelaces. “Harry's like, a good person. 

“Aw, thanks, Grim,” Harry says. Zayn clears his throat.

“ _Up All Night_ tour,” he says simply, and the rest of One Direction wince.

“That's probably what did us all in,” Niall says, sighing.

“Those were the days,” Harry says wistfully. They all start loudly reminiscing then, ignoring what sounds like loud explosions outside. Puppy chomps down on Nick's ankle and begins to gnaw on the bone.

“ _Okay_ ,” Nick says loudly. “I now know way too much about your teenaged sex lives. What are we going to do? How are we going to live?” He pulls out his iphone, unlocking it and making a frustrated noise. “There's no service.”

“It's the fucking apocalypse, what do you expect?” Louis sneers. He's sat down now, curled up into Liam's side.

“That _maybe_ I would be able to call my family and friends to see whether or not they're at the bottom of a fucking sinkhole,” Nick snaps back. He gives up and sits down on the floor with them. Puppy jumps into his lap and settles down to sleep.

“What do we do now?” Niall asks, and they all shrug.

“Well, you're all welcome to everything I have,” Harry says, gesturing widely to the house at large. “I'm pretty sure as long as we stay inside, we'll all be perfectly safe.”

It's then that the lights cut out. Harry lets out a tiny shriek, and in response there's a loud, monstrous roar from outside.

“Well, shit,” Louis says.

 

**DAY 2**

 

“I vote we eat Nick first,” Louis says, hair askew. The night before, after using everything available to seal up the doors and windows, the boys had all collapsed on Harry's massive bed like a pile of puppies. It had been awkward, for Nick, who had ended up scooping up Puppy and finding a spare room. Alone.

“Well fuck you too, Tomlinson,” Nick says, peering into Harry's fridge. “There's literally nothing in here.”

“Not true! That's a decoy,” Harry says, like that's just a normal thing for people to say. Then he walks out of the kitchen, forcing them all to toddle after him like ducks. “Remember when I had my survivalist phase?”

“You mean that one time you went camping and then had a bunch of nightmares about bears?” Liam asks.

“Well, I figured it wouldn't hurt keeping a few aspects of that lifestyle,” Harry says, completely ignoring Liam. “So when I moved in, I had my assistant stock up on supplies.” He opens a random door to reveal a huge room full of every sort of food you could imagine.

“Jesus,” Niall says. “Are you sure I'm not in heaven after all?”

“We still have to ration it,” Liam says, “and the stuff that's like, imperishable won't last forever.”

“You mean perishable,” Zayn says from the back. “And we should be good for a while, then. If we're not, like, stupid about it.”

“And then we eat Nick,” Louis says finally. Nick groans.

 

**DAY 4**

 

“Okay,” Louis yells, “who is the nasty asshole who's been wanking in the downstairs bathroom?” He waves around a crinkled and mysteriously stained issue of _Teen Vogue_. “Who's done this to Emma Watson?”

Immediately, Niall, Harry, and Liam have guilty looks on their faces.

“Oh my _god_ ,” Nick says, looking disgusted. “ _Really_?”

“Wait, no, that wasn't me,” Niall says. “I'm neat about it. I don't just go about flinging my fucking jizz like a caveman.”

“Um, yeah, same,” Liam says, blushing. “You gotta be like, clean and all that.”

They all look at Harry, who suddenly looks defiant.

“Jesus Christ, Haz,” Louis says, throwing the magazine at his head. He dutifully catches it. “Didn't you grow up surrounded by women? You never learned to be like, discreet?”

“It's _my_ house,” Harry says. “And my magazine.”

“Why would you leave it there, though?” Zayn asks incredulously.

“In case anyone wanted to read it,” Harry says. They all eye the stained magazine in his hands. “There's a rather nice interview with Little Mix in it.”

“Are you telling me you came all over a magazine covered in pictures of Zayn's fiance?” Niall says, half laughing.

“Of course not,” Harry replies. “Just Emma.” Niall lets out a loud cackle and covers his mouth. 

“You're fucking nasty, Styles,” Nick says, shaking his head.

“I'm sorry,” Harry says sincerely, “ I have a particularly explosive ejaculate – “

“No!” Louis says, spinning on his heel and leaving. “No, no, no!”

“You know I met Emma Watson once,” Niall says. “At the Teen Choice Awards.”

“Oh really?” Harry says, tucking the magazine under his arm. “She seems lovely.”

 

**DAY 6**

 

“What the fuck,” Nick says. It's the middle of the night, and he's just woken up to a camera in his face.

“No, fuck, he's supposed to be asleep. It's a dream sequence,” Louis says. He's wearing a beret and someone's drawn a curly mustache on his face.

“We're making a music video for _Little Black Dress_ ,” Harry says helpfully. “You're going to be the girl.”

“I like how you just assume I know all of your songs,” Nick drawls. “And that I want to be in your music video.”

“Well, don't you?” Niall asks. He's holding a little black dress from god knows where. Liam is standing next to him wearing a blonde wig. Zayn is shirtless.

“Please, Grimmy?” Harry says, eyes wide.

*

 

“ _I wanna see the way you move for me, baby,” Nick croons into a banana microphone. Everything is in black and white._

_Behind him, the members of One Direction walk in pretend slow motion, all wearing sunglasses. Nick is wearing the little black dress. Puppy enters then, wearing a tiny cowboy hat. She barks, and everyone but Nick falls to the ground, dead._

_Nick wipes away a fake tear, staring into the distance, as Harry crawls discreetly out of the shot and takes helm of the camera, zooming in dramatically on Nick's face. The bedsheet backdrop Zayn drew on to create a desert landscape falls down and everything fades to black._

“Well,” Zayn says as they all stand huddled around the slowly dying laptop they had painstakingly edited their music video on. “It's better than anything Ben fucking Winston ever did for us.”

 

**DAY 11**

 

“I'm so fucking bored,” Niall says, sprawled on the carpet of Harry's huge living room. “ _I'm. So. Bored,”_ he yells out. Louis throws a pillow at his head.

Nick's been lying on the floor playing a game he made up with Puppy, wherein he repeatedly hides his face in his arms, unmoving, until Puppy believes he's died and proceeds to scratch the shit out of his head. “You're musicians, right?” he says into his arms, “Play some music or summat.”

“We could do that,” Louis nods. “We could play some music.” He stands up and walks over to a lovely antique end table that Nick's been eying and pulls out, with some difficulty, the biggest bag of weed Nick's ever seen.

“That's for emergencies,” Harry says, pouting.

“ _Or,”_ Louis continues, brandishing the bag, “we could play some music while high off our asses.”

Niall is up and searching for one of Harry's guitars before Louis even finishes his sentence.

 

*

 

“That's not the right note,” Liam says, shaking his head and slurring a little. At some point they'd gotten into Harry's impressive liquor cabinet. Amongst other things. “I'm telling you, mate.”

“Fuck you,” Louis says, eyes red-rimmed. He sings the note again. Liam shakes his head. They've been trying to sing _Na Na Na_ for a half hour now.

“Nope,” Liam says. “It's like, _ahhhhhh.”_

“I sang this song every day for like, two fucking years, Payne,” Louis says. “It's _ahhhhh_.”

Harry, Niall, and Zayn have been ignoring them in favor of trying to remember their old choreography, which, as far as Nick can tell, seems to be just walking back and forth in a line. They fuck it up anyway.

Nick hasn't done anything for the passed couple hours but lie sprawled elegantly across Harry's settee, occasionally calling out “play freebird!” between songs.

“It's _aaaaaaaaaaaahhh!”_ Louis yells, stomping his foot. “ _Ahhhh!_ ”

“ _Ahhh,”_ Liam sings back, throwing in some fancy riffs for good measure. That's how their fight devolves into them screaming incoherently at each other. Harry, Niall, and Zayn have all moved into a dance where they hump the air in unison.

“None of you are hot anymore,” Nick slurs. “The dream is over. The image is dead.” Liam and Louis decide they need to see who can sing the highest note. Puppy scratches at the door and Nick feels bad, but they'd put her there so she wouldn't inhale the smoke.

“Enough of that, boys,” Niall says once Louis and Liam start horror movie screaming in each others ears. He sits back down with his guitar, and like magic they all settle in a circle on the floor. Niall plucks out the opening of what Nick recognizes as _Little Things_ , and Nick falls asleep to the sound of their five voices twining together.

 

*

 

Nick wakes up some time later. He doesn't know how long. So far, they've been keeping time based off Liam's ridiculously expensive watch. He would get up but he still feels a little hazy, content to remain laying about like a lump.

“No, look, I'm serious lads,” Niall says, voice low. They're all still sat on the floor, but they've all migrated closer to each other, a tangle of limbs in the middle of the room. “This – everything is shit, but I'm glad we're all together. Can't imagine who else I'd want to spend the end of the world with.”

“Yeah,” Zayn says. “Like, I wish I could see my family and all, but I just think, like, they probably went up and like, I'm cool with that.”

“This is all so scary,” Harry says, “and we don't know what's going to happen, but as long as it's all of us, together, I think we'll be okay.”

“I think we'll be fine, yeah,” Louis says. “We've got food and stuff. With the exception of _someone_ ” he wrinkles his nose, “I've got everyone I need here with me. I'm pretty happy. I'm sure my mum and siblings are alright.”

Nick looks away, swallowing. He'd felt so intensely awkward already, listening in on their conversation. It was nothing compared to what he's feeling now, knowing they probably (Louis definitely) don't even want him there.

“You guys are my brothers,” Niall says, smiling shyly when Liam throws his arm over his shoulders and Harry kisses him on the head, “and I love you all, would die for you and all that. Now shut up and help me figure out if these are the right chords for _Half a Heart –“_ He stops then, because his arms have started to glow.

“What the fuck,” He says, and his everything is glowing. He looks up, panicked, at the rest of them. “What the hell is going on?”

Nick stands up then, and they all stand around Niall. Harry runs his hands all over him like he's trying to put out Niall's light. Niall lifts up slightly, hovering just over the ground. Louis moves to pull him back down, but Liam stops him.

“He's getting beamed up,” Liam says, with awe. “They're beaming him up.”

“ _No,”_ Louis snarls, sounding on the verge of tears. “We _just_ said. We're doing this together.”

“It's a good thing,” Zayn says. “It's shows he's too good to be here.”

“No,” Niall says, panicking now. He floats a tiny bit higher. “No, I don't want to –“ 

“We love you, Nialler,” Harry says tearfully. “You deserve this.” Niall opens his mouth to say something else, but then he's gone.

“Get _off_ me,” Louis says, trying to shrug Liam off of him. Harry starts sobbing, curled up in Zayn's arms. Liam doesn't let go of Louis, instead crowding him over and putting his big arms around all of them, shoulders shaking. Nick decides to leave the room then, picking up Puppy on the way, and locks himself in his room.

 

**DAY 15**

 

It's been over two weeks, and they're finally out of Coco Pops _._ The box hadn't been full in the first place. It's not even an American product, and Harry had apparently only bought it for Louis' sake. But they were Louis' favorite, and he's in a right pissy mood because of it.

“I've got this cereal,” Harry says nervously, waving around an organic, gluten-free monstrosity that Nick is a hundred percent sure tastes like the little flaky bits that line hamster cages. “It's chocolate. Basically the same thing!”

“Oh, fuck off, Harry,” Louis snaps, smashing the empty Coco Pops box in his hands and throwing it across the room.

“Hey, don't be a dick,” Nick says. “He's trying to help.” Louis bristles, and everyone in the room braces for impact.

“Look, Louis,” Liam says, arms up placatingly, “why don't you just try the–“

“Why don't you just shut the fuck up, Grimshaw? Did I ask for your opinion?”

“No, but I'll be damned if I'm just going to sit back and watch as some bratty popstar dickhead is rude to my friend.”

“Oh, come _off_ it, asshole,” Louis says, finally raising his voice the way they all know he's been wanting to for days. “No one even fucking wants you here. You're a waste of our fucking resources and, if it were up to me, we would have dumped you and your stupid ass dog down a fucking sinkhole. Would have been happy to do it, even.” The silence after that is painful, with everyone gaping at Louis. Nick, however, is not surprised in the least.

“Right, fine,” Nick sniffs after a moment. “Good luck trying to get beamed up, then, now your true nature is being revealed and all. When all of us are up there safe and sound, I hope you starve.” He stomps out, calling for his dog. He hears Louis' squeaky voice ranting behind him and makes sure to slam his door as hard as he can.

 

**DAY 17**

 

“I want like, seventeen kids,” Harry says, lining up his little yellow car. The only board game in the entire house, apparently, is _The Game of Life._ It had taken them over an hour to get through the game's directions, the boys had all been fascinated with the concept of a board game where the only goal was living an average, middle-class life. Nick hates popstars. “And they're all going to have nice, fulfilling lives and go to university and become doctors.”

“This is America, though, innit?” Zayn says. “That'd be dead expensive. "

“You'd have to pay taxes, as well,” Liam says wisely, meticulously organizing their fake money, “and like, buy a house and all. Proper adult things.”

“Are we all forgetting that everyone here is an adult?” Nick says, sticking his little pink person in his blue car. He could be a pink guy if he wants to, fuck everyone else (Louis) who had snickered at him when he chose. “Harry, you have two mansions.”

“Yeah,” Harry says, frowning down at his fake minivan as though his dreams have been crushed, “but my assistant bought them for me. She just texted me a bunch of pictures.”

“Ah, to have the life of a millionaire popstar,” Nick says. “I just about pissed myself when I signed for my first mortgage." 

“Okay, shut up now,” Louis says. “It's time for me to win this game.”

“But does anyone really _win_ the game of Life?” Harry says solemnly. He reaches to spin the thing in the middle. It breaks off.

 

*

 

“No, fuck you,” Louis yells, throwing a pile of fake money at Nick's head.

“I'm a police officer. Every time you spin a ten you need to give me ten thousand dollars. It's the rules.”

“As if they let dickheads be police officers. You would be the shittiest cop of all time,” Louis says. “I'm not paying you. I'm a starving artist. I have mouths to feed.”

“Maybe you shouldn't have had twelve kids then!” Nick yells, throwing his hands up frustratedly. “I have a family too, asshole!”

“Right, your little lesbian love-nest–“

“Just because we're pink doesn't make me and my husband any less manly!”

“Liam, can I get like, two thousand dollars? I just got a raise,” Zayn says, contentedly moving his red car along the board.

“Here you go, Zaynie,” Liam says. He spins and frowns. “I just got into a car accident, I think.” He places a few bills back into the bank. 

“Oh no, is Martha okay?” Zayn asks. Liam shrugs.

“You know what?” Louis yells, both him and Nick are now standing. “I give up.” He grabs the bank full of fake money from Liam and throws it at Nick. “ _Fuck the police_.”

“Yeah, Tommo, make it rain!” Zayn cheers. Him and Liam start singing “ _versace, versace, versace, versace._ ” Harry, who had lost all his money buying the biggest possible mansion in the game, snorts where he's napping on the couch with Puppy asleep on his stomach.

“You are going to jail forever!” Nick yells. “You just robbed the fucking bank! I'm pretty sure they _kill_ people for that in America.”

“So what?” Louis yells back, “call the fucking police! I don't care!” He bends down and starts picking up the tiny plastic people and chucking them at Nicks' head.

“ _Jesus_ ,” Nick yells, grabbing his face, “my eye. Louis, you dick, you've blinded me.”

“Good! One less pig on the streets,” Louis cackles, before running. Nick chases him, tripping over his feet with one hand still over his eye.

“Oh, I've reached the end!” Liam says happily. “Which retirement home should I choose? I want it to be nice but like, I'm not too fussed you know?”

“I'd pick the nicest?” Zayn says, pointing to the board. “Because, like, you're going to be there for a long time, like? And then I can pick that one too. We could like, be old together.”

“That sounds nice,” Liam says, beaming. Harry snuffles and rolls over, squishing Puppy into his belly.

 

**DAY 25**

 

“Don't be an idiot, Liam. You're not going out there.” Liam ignores Louis, tying a rope they'd found around his waist and tugging it to make sure it's secure.

“We need water, Lou, and the only way to get to Harry's basement is from the outside.”

“Yeah, smart move that was, Styles. Not only keeping the water in the basement, but also not buying a damn house with access to the basement,” Nick says, worriedly gripping the rope that Liam's just handed him. “This is an awful idea.”

“It'll be fine, I'm the fastest of all of us,” Liam says confidently, grabbing a golf club from the bag Harry dragged out. “And if anything happens I'll shout and you lot can pull me back in.”

“This isn't a fucking cow man this time, Payno,” Louis says, and Nick has no clue what that means. “There are like, proper monsters out there.”

“Yeah, and we like,” Zayn nervously wrings his bit of rope in his hands, “we don't know like, what happens to you if something happens down here, without beaming up like Niall.”

“I'll be _fine_ ,” Liam says, throwing an arm over Zayn's shoulders and tugging him in for a hug. He does the same for the rest of them, even Nick. “We need water, and you know I wouldn't be able to sit while any of you did this.”

“Why isn't Nick doing it?” Louis snaps. “He's the only one of us who doesn't belong.” Nick winces and Harry stomps hard on Louis' foot.

“Don't be like that, Tommo, I volunteered,” Liam says. He pulls his boys in for another hug, a big clingy group hug this time. Nick feels awful.

They herd Puppy into another room so she doesn't run off when they open the door, and everyone assumes the position of holding onto the rope tied around Liam's waist. Liam walks out confidently, but Nick can see tension in his shoulders. No one speaks while he's gone, Nick doesn't even blink. Outside everything is covered in thick orange fog.

After a few minutes, Louis starts muttering curses under his breath and Harry starts asking repeatedly whether they should pull him back in. Not a moment later, a figure emerges and all of them breathe a sigh of relief. Liam's carrying two huge cases of water, having dropped the golf club in favor of carrying as much as he can. He's got a big goofy smile, his eyes disappearing into his cheeks.

And then something grabs the back of his shirt and tugs.

They all fall forward, struggling to keep hold of Liam's rope, but whatever's got Liam is freakishly strong. They pull as hard as they can, but they can't match up.

There's a scream then, obviously from Liam. It's loud and wretched, and Zayn drops the rope.

“What the fuck are you doing, Zayn?” Louis yells, trying to adjust his hold without Zayn's help. Zayn ignores him in favor of grabbing another one of the golf clubs and running out, yelling Liam's name.

Louis cries out, dropping the rope and moving to follow him. Nick catches him around the waist, struggling to hold on. Behind them, Harry clutches onto the rope, now completely slack. He's crying and Nick can't deal with any of this.

A moment later, two identical beams of light shine through the fog, and Louis goes limp. Nick lowers him to the floor, and Harry is instantly all over him, gripping his shirt tightly and blubbering snot and tears into his neck. Louis turns his face into Harry's hair. Nick leaves them, gulping and running out to gather the water Liam had dropped, sniffling and muttering “ _shit shit shit_ ” as he goes. When he gets back, Harry and Louis are nowhere to be found, so Nick boards the door back up himself and goes to cuddle with Puppy.

 

**DAY 28**

 

“Fuck this!” Nick yells, kicking the door to the kitchen open. He bounces around on one foot, hissing, “Fuck you!” he says, pointing at Louis where he sits at the kitchen table, mouth full of dry hamster flakes. “Fuck–“ he looks at Harry sitting innocently on the kitchen counter. “Fuck, I can't be mean to you. But fuck you again, Tomlinson!”

“What the fuck did I do?” Louis says, chocolate cereal sputtering out of his mouth.

“Who cares?” My dog just fucking floated away.” His voice cracks embarrassingly. He had been laying around, feeling sorry for himself. “You'll always want me around, eh, Puppy?” he said, rubbing her belly absently. It was needy, and he'd have been embarrassed if anyone saw, but Puppy was a puppy, so she just scooted up the bed and nipped at his nose. That was before she started glowing.

“I know I'm not a part of your stupid boy band, but I thought we were friends, at least,” he says, “only now none of you are really talking to me for no fucking reason, and my only friend in the world just fucking lifted off. So you're going to have to deal with me, because I'm not going to just twiddle my fucking thumbs alone all day. I'll go mad.” And with that, he sits down hard at the table, stealing Louis' cereal and taking a huge bite. It's disgusting. “So, lads, what are we doing today?”

Harry moves off the counter and drapes himself over Nick's back, wrapping his arms around his neck. “Sorry about Puppy,” he says. “It sucks when your friends float away.” Nick just nods, blinking hard and biting his lip.

“Well, me and Harry were planning on playing the greatest game of hide and seek known to man,” Louis says, and snatches his bowl back. “So if you think you're too good for hide and seek you're shit out of luck.”

“Okay,” Nick says, “but I'm not it.”

 

**DAY 30**

 

“Ow, fuck,” Harry says, twisting to curl over his bare stomach.

“Stop moving, I'm trying to hit the butterfly.”

“It's a _moth_.” Louis throws another golf ball, hitting Harry hard in the sternum. They've been playing this game where they take turns throwing golf balls at each other for about a half hour, but it's turned into just Louis throwing golf balls at Harry. “This game is stupid. Nick, tell Louis this game is stupid.” A golf ball hits him right in the middle of the forehead.

“I don't know, I think it's pretty entertaining,” Nick says, not looking up where he's lying on the ground reading an old encyclopedia. He ducks the golf ball that goes flying towards his head. “Hey, did you know the gestation period of some species of opossum is less than two weeks?”

“I don't know what the fuck you just said to me right now,” Louis says. He throws four golf balls rapid fire. It hits three of Harry's nipples dead on, the fourth one slightly off.

“That's dead impressive, that is,” Nick says, turning on his back and reaching to grab a dictionary off Harry's pretentious bookshelf. “How about, for every word I say you know the meaning of, you get to hit Harry Styles with a golf ball?”

Harry laughs. “Good one, Grimmy. He'll never hit me again.” A golf ball bounces off his head.

“You're on, Harold,” Louis says, scurrying around and gathering golf balls. “Hit me, Grimshaw.”

Louis hits Harry with a golf ball twenty-five times, and only because, after a while, Nick is laughing too hard at Louis' bullshit answers to be a proper judge.

“Okay, Tomlinson. Tittle.”

“A little titty.”

“Suprasternal.”

“Isn't that like, ghosts and shit?”

“Roxburgh.”

“It's like, a rock town. Like a town made of rocks and shit.”

“Alligate.”

“You mean alligator? You mean a fucking badass?”

“Firth.”

“That's a fucking guy. You're making this up now.”

“Semipenniform.”

“What the fuck?”

“Enough!” Harry says, covering his bare torso with his arms. “You're just letting him hit me every time!”

“All of his answers have been acceptable,” Nick says, after he's controlled his manic giggling. “I'm the judge.”

“Yeah, Harry,” Louis says, throwing a ball with every word. “Listen! To! The judge!”

“You know what, I don't think I like you two getting along,” Harry says, putting his hands on his waist and pouting. Then he bends down and grabs some golf balls from the many around his feet. Louis' eyes instantly narrow.

“Harry, no,” he says, pointing a finger at Harry and standing up slowly, grabbing a handful of golf balls.

“Harry yes!” Harry screams nonsensically, before pelting Louis and Nick with as many golf balls as he possibly can. Louis shrieks and launches himself over Harry's couch to hide behind it.

Nick doesn't move, just moans “nooooo” and tries to cover his face with the dictionary. Harry takes advantage and chucks as many golf balls as he can at Nick's sensitive, vulnerable belly.

“What the hell are you doing, Grimshaw? Defend yourself!” Louis yells from behind the couch. He occasionally pops up to throw a ball at Harry, but is always quick to duck back down. 

“I'm a lover, not a fighter– _ow!”_ he yells, before throwing the dictionary at Harry, who dances out of the way. “What the fuck? That hurt!” Harry takes advantage of the fact that, without the dictionary, Nick's face is defenseless.

“God dammit,” Louis says from behind the couch. Then he darts out dramatically, grabbing Nick's ankles and attempting to drag him back, all while being bombarded by Harry. “You're so fucking heavy!”

“Go on without me,” Nick says dramatically, throwing an arm over his forehead. “Save yourself!”

“You're such an asshole get! Up!” Louis gives up, punching Nick lightly in the leg. Instead, he sets his sights on Harry, standing sheepishly with an unreasonable amount of golf balls in his gigantic hands.

“You might as well surrender now,” he says, but before he's even finished talking Louis is screaming “ _Never!_ ” and charging. He takes him down by tackling his weak, coltish knees. Harry goes down hard and Nick lets out a squawk of laughter, covering his mouth with his hands. Louis pauses in his attempts to shove all the golf balls he can reach into Harry's mouth to grin over at him, eyes crinkled at the corners.

 “Stop ganging up on me,” Harry whines after spitting a golf ball out of his mouth. “I take back every birthday wish I've made in the last four years, I don't like you two being friends.” Louis turns back to Harry with an extremely exaggerated look of horror on his face. Nick rolls his eyes.

“I bet if we really tried, we could fit like, three of those golf balls in his mouth, what do you reckon?” Nick says, flopping over onto his stomach. He rests his chin on his hands and kicks his legs up into the air. “Maybe even four.”

“You think so?” Louis says, sitting back and eying Harry thoughtfully. “Enough to bet a thousand _Life_ dollars?”

“Two thousand, even.”

Harry claps his hands over his mouth and doesn't move them away for several hours.

 

**DAY 33**

 

“Grrmph,” Nick says. It's the middle of the night and what feels like a sack of potatoes has just been dropped on his person. He makes another unintelligible noise, and Harry shifts slightly over so as to not completely crush him.

“There's noises,” Harry says sleepily, nuzzling his face into Nick's armpit. “Monster noises.”

“Right outside our god damn room,” Louis says, and Nick opens his eyes then, staring questioningly up at the boy standing on the other side of Nick's bed. Louis grumpily lifts up the covers and drops onto the bed. “Can't sleep for shit.”

“Um,” Nick says, staring down where Louis has made himself comfortable curled up to Nick's side.

“Miss when it was fans,” Harry mumbles, more asleep than anything. About a half a second later he's completely asleep, breathing little huffs against Nick's side. It reminds him, oddly, of Puppy.

“We're not talking about this and it isn't weird,” Louis snaps from where he's ducked his head under the blankets, leaving Nick to stare at his wild tufts of brown hair. An arm winds its way around Nick's belly and it's not Harry's. Nick blinks up at the ceiling.

 

**DAY 35**

 

“Harry, no, I'm sorry, but if you're going to keep sleeping in here you're going to have to _at least_ keep your pants on.”

 

**DAY 39**

 

“Harry I will give you _ten thousand Life dollars_ if you put some pants on.”

 

**DAY 47**

 

“What the hell is in this American shit, man,” Louis says, mouth full of cheez-its. He's clutching the box to his stomach and Nick sees a picture of Harry on the front of it. “Like, what the hell is this? What am I putting inside my body?” Nick snickers from across the room and Louis throws a cheez-it at him. “We're all gonna die of some awful disease, you just watch.”

“I'm pretty sure you're not going to die from eating American crisps, Lou,” Harry says, trying to read a book he'd had stacked artistically on a shelf. Nick thinks it's about tying knots. “Like, I'm sure they're not _that_ bad.”

“Just you watch,” Louis says, gesturing wildly. “We're all gonna die of scurvy or something, living off this shit. Mark my words.”

Nick snorts. “We're not _pirates._ ”

“You don't have to be a pirate to get scurvy, you dick,” Louis says. “It's caused by like, not eating oranges or something.”

“What even _is_ scurvy?” Nick asks. “Like, what happens to you? Do you get like, a really awful rash? Do you die?”

“Your bits fall off and your skin starts sliding off like pizza cheese,” Louis replies. Nick makes a disgusted face at him. Louis just grins back, cheez-it crumbs all over.

“I'm sure that's not what happens,” Harry says, setting his book aside.

“Well what do you know, Harry Styles?” Louis shoves his fist into the box of cheez-its, pulling out a handful. “ _You're_ not a pirate. You're too curly.”

“I know more than you,” Harry says. “But if you're really worried about scurvy...” He trails off, sitting up and starting to rummage around, opening and closing drawers and cabinets.

“What are you looking for?” Nick says as Harry leaves the room, determined. He looks over at Louis, who just shrugs in response.

“Found it!” Harry yells from another room. A moment later he jogs back in, clutching something carefully. They get up and crowd around him.

“I was saving it for a special occasion,” Harry says. “But like, we can have it now. I don't care.” He opens his hands to reveal an orange, old and shriveled and more than a little moldy.

“Oh Harry,” Nick says, wrinkling his nose. “You shouldn't have.”

“Really,” Louis says. “You _really_ shouldn't have.”

“No, it's alright!” Harry says, dimpling. “I want to share it with you guys.” He enthusiastically digs in, peeling it with extreme difficulty. Nick gags a little at the sounds it makes.

“Harry, I don't think you're supposed to eat things when they've got mold on them,” he says. “Like, I'm pretty sure that's common knowledge.”

Harry waves him off. “It's all natural. Here.” He drops a chunk of gross, squishy orange into Louis' hands, doing the same for Nick. He holds the remainder up like he's raising a wine glass to make a toast.

“To best friends surviving the end of the world together,” he says grandly. They awkwardly bump their knuckles together, hands cupped around their respective bits of orange, and Harry takes a huge bite.

Nick closes his eyes and says a silent prayer before shoving all of it in his mouth at once, doing his best not to vomit. It's mushy, and though he swallows it as fast as he can there's a sharp aftertaste in his mouth that he's pretty sure is from the mold.

He looks over at Louis, who lifts the orange to his mouth cupped in both of his hands. He watches as the orange slips out of Louis' hands and down to the floor. Louis pretends to chew and swallow, smiling and giving Harry the thumbs up. Nick hates Louis.

“To friendship,” Louis says, laughing, and Harry nods, mouth full of orange. “Right, Nick?”

Nick refrains from sticking out his tongue and scraping at it with his fingers. “Right,” he says, “to friendship.”

 

**DAY 50**

 

It isn't any one thing that takes Harry away from them. Nick figures it was a culmination of things. It was just Harry, no grand gestures or heartwarming declarations. They don't even notice when he goes, quietly in the middle of the night while they sleep.

They wake up and he's gone, and they know why and where, but Louis still insists on looking for him, and Nick indulges him. They go from room to room, occasionally calling his name. Harry's house has about a thousand rooms, Nick thinks, and Louis gets on his hands and knees a couple of times to look under the bed. He glares at Nick when he stands back up. “What?” he asks, crossing his arms. “Harry's fucking weird, you never know.”

Nick doesn't say anything in response, but in the next room he checks the tiny decorative cabinet for any sign of Harry. Because Louis is right, Harry is fucking weird. Louis nods approvingly.

They don't talk much. Compared to the loss of the other boys, which had been devastating, Harry's loss just hangs heavy between them. Nick feels exhausted, even though he's just woke up, and weirdly lonely. Louis moves like he's as old as he's always claiming Nick to be, with his shoulders hunched.

The anger that had followed after Niall, Liam, and Zayn left is nowhere to be seen, but Nick almost would prefer Louis sad and lashing out to Louis sad and not saying anything. They move in uncomfortable silence. Nick doesn't do well with silence, but he does worse with Louis Tomlinson, so he just shuts his mouth and follows him around Harry's impossibly large house.

And that's how they find Harry's sex dungeon.

“Holy shit,” Louis says, entering the room gleefully and touching _everything_.

“Wow,” Nick says. He rubs his eyes with his fists. “ _Wow_.”

“Is that a _swing?_ ” Louis says, delighted. “I don't even know what half this stuff _is._ ”

Nick has never seen so many dildos in his entire life. He grabs a hot pink one curiously, before realizing where it's probably been and dropping it.

“He's got condoms that taste like bananas!” Louis says, rummaging through the drawers. “These ones glow in the dark!”

“What the hell is that?” Nick says, pointing to a dildo that looks like an octopus tentacle. “Is he like, into aliens?”

“I'm not sure what he's into,” Louis says, trying to figure out how the swing works. So far he's just hanging off of it. Nick wants to make a _Wrecking Ball_ joke, but he's pretty sure Louis would kick him. “I think he's just like, a collector. There's no way one person needs this many fake dicks.”

“A connoisseur,” Nick says, opening a drawer to reveal a collection of neon colored lingerie. “I can't believe he had this hidden the entire time.”

Louis is stuck in the sex swing. “He probably knew he would never hear the end of it. I wonder how many dildos he has. Count the dildos.”

“I'm not going near the dildos,” Nick says. He pockets a packet of fancy lube, though. “Um, are you okay?”

Louis hangs upside down, blinking sheepishly up at Nick.

It takes about twenty minutes for Nick to untangle him. “I'm going to give him so much shit for this when we get beamed up,” Louis says, arm still twisted up in the straps of the sex swing. Nick pauses in his attempts to free him, surprised by how sure he is that they're going to be taken up at all. “And then I'm going to ask him how to use the sex swing.”

 

**DAY 51**

 

When Nick wakes up the next day, his face is shoved in a forest of brown hair, and Louis Tomlinson's octopus arms have wrapped around his soft, vulnerable stomach in a vice grip.

The night before, Nick had gone to sleep alone for the first time in days. Louis had found a book of Harry's that was the tiniest bit interesting, so when Nick had announced he was going to sleep, Louis had just waved him off, eyes not moving from the words in front of him. Nick hadn't liked it. It was cold, and missing Harry and Puppy was a physical ache. He figured, now that Harry was no longer around, that Louis would find another one of the four million spare rooms to crash in. It wasn't like it had made sense that Louis chose to sleep in Nick's room at all.

But now there he is, and there Nick is, and Louis' hair is in Nick's mouth. His neck feels sticky in a way that means Louis has probably drooled all over him, and it's disgusting, but Nick is glad he's not alone.

He falls back asleep, and when they both wake up hours later they don't talk about it. That night Louis gives up all pretense and joins Nick when he says he's going to bed, and it's odd comfort.

 

**DAY 54**

 

It's awkward now, without Harry. Nick doesn't really know how to talk to Louis. If Nick's honest, he's more than a little scared of him. In the several years Nick's known him, Nick has managed to talk to Louis alone without offending him twice. Once when they were on stage at an awards show, and once when they met and Louis asked him where the bathroom was.

It's been days of awkward silence, really, and Nick hates it. So many years working in radio has him panicky and anxious when he's with someone and they're not talking for an extended period of time. He can tell Louis hates it as well, because before they were forced to spend all their time together, Louis basically never shut up.

And on top of that, Nick's _bored._ Nick had tried starting a game of _Life,_ but it was boring and pointless with only two people, so they quit. All of Harry's books are either boring books just there too look nice, or sad, angry books that Nick has no interest in. He doesn't know how he's going to survive.

“Do you watch any good television shows?” he asks finally, almost bursting with the need to say _something_. Louis had been reading one of the sad angry books, but he'd been rolling his eyes at every other page so Nick doesn't feel bad for interrupting him. “I mean, did you? Before all this?”

“I watched a few,” Louis says, after looking at him suspiciously and setting down the book. “Me and Liam watched a lot of stuff on tour. Why?”

“I didn't really, that much,” Nick says. “Just a couple shows. I didn't think I would miss it, yeah? But I  have this feeling like, I want to sit down and watch like an entire series of something.”

“Yeah,” Louis says, nodding. “Harry's books are shit. I just want to like, marathon _Breaking Bad_ or something.”

“Oh my god, I'm _obsessed_ with that show. My producer got me watching it, and Aaron Paul came on the show, once.”

“ _Sick,”_ Louis says. “He's my favorite.”

“Me too!” Nick says, grinning. “I wish I could have finished it, before all this.”

“Where did you leave off?” Louis asks, moving to sit closer. “Like, me and Liam _just_ finished it before.” He looks almost shy, then. “I could like, tell you what happened? If you want?”

“Would you really?” Nick asks excitedly. He doesn't know whether it's at the prospect of extended conversation, or the sudden need he has to see Louis doing a Jesse Pinkman impersonation.

“I mean, I don't know how well I'll be able to tell it to you,” Louis says, “but, like, what series did you leave off of?”

 

**DAY 57**

 

“So then Vin Diesel like, hang glides over to the boat with the bomb in it, yeah? Wait, no, he _makes a zipline_ and it like, hits the boat, and then he hang glides _from_ the boat.”

“Okay, but is he still in the pink fur jacket?”

“No, Nick, he's a serious fucking secret agent, _jesus_.”

 

**DAY 60**

 

“Listen, asshole, don't even think about it.” Nick looks up from where he had been eying the nutrition facts on a pack of bizarre crisps he'd found in the deep recesses of their food room. Louis stands in the doorway, chest heaving and panting like he had run through the entire house to finding Nick.

“Um, don't think about what?” he says, tossing the bag back on the shelf. After a second he picks them back up. “Have you ever eaten these? Do you know what they are?”

“You are _the last man on earth,_ ” Louis says. “We are the _last people_ and! No! I've always said. Not even if you were the last man on earth! And you are! And you're nice!” He makes a loud incoherent noise and kicks a shelf. “I'm _not going to sleep with you_. Don't even think about it!”

And then he's gone, stomping down the hallway. After a moment, Nick hears a muffled scream of what sounds like “ _fucking sex dungeon”_ and he gently sets the bag of crisps back on the shelf and goes to lie down for a while.

 

**DAY 61**

 

Nick thinks about it. He thinks about it a lot.

 

**DAY 62**

 

“ _Fuck_ ,” Louis says, roughly shoving his hands down the front of Nick's jeans. They're too tight, though, so his hand just kind of gets stuck in the waistband. “ _Fuck fuck fuck_.”

Nick tries to kiss him, but he won't stop cursing, so Nick huffs out an annoyed breath and moves down to mouth at his neck. They're tangled on the floor of Harry's living room, and there's tiny Life people everywhere. Nick's pretty sure they're on top of the board, because he can feel the plastic spinner digging into his lower back.

Louis is all over the place, like he can't really make up his mind where his hands should go. They're gripping Nick's hair, then his neck, then his arms, and then his dick. “ _Ow_ , fuck, Louis,” Nick says, hitting at Louis' shoulder to get him to let go. “Jesus, it's too fucking dry–“

“Fuck,” Louis says for the thousandth time. “It's not like I,” he ducks down to kiss Nick and misses, slobbering all over his cheek. “It's not like I fucking planned this,” he tries to get at Nick's dick again. Louis hadn't even bothered taking Nick's jeans and pants all the way off, just shoving them down far enough that Little Nick is set free. Nick can't really move his legs too well, though. He feels like a mermaid.

“We have a fucking sex dungeon,” Nick says, scrambling to shove Louis' own jeans off. “I stole some fancy lube.”

“Well where is that lube now, huh? Not here,” Louis says, shucking off his t-shirt. Then he drops himself over Nick's legs and sticks Nick's dick in his mouth.

“Oh _shit_ ,” Nick says, pressing his palms over his eyes. Sex with Louis is like going from zero to one hundred in two seconds. If the apocalypse doesn't kill him, sex with Louis probably will. Louis says something that could _possibly_ be “I missed this” but Nick doesn't understand him. Because Nick's dick is in his mouth.

He starts bobbing his head enthusiastically after that, and Nick bites his lip and moves his hands from his face to scrabble for purchase on the ground. But he just keeps accidentally grabbing the Life money where it had scattered when Louis had pushed Nick to the ground in the middle of their game. It's sort of how Nick had imagined having sex with a millionaire would go, but not quite.

Louis seems perfectly happy where he is, but Nick has other ideas. So, after a while, he pulls Louis up, ignoring Louis' put off look. Nick loses a moment staring at the plump redness of Louis' pout.

“Shit,” Nick says, “fuck me.”

Louis' eyebrows raise up. “Wait, really?”

“You heard me,” Nick says, starting to shimmy out of his jeans, finally. “Go get the fucking lube, already, god damn.” He doesn't have to say it twice, because Louis is up and out of the room. Nick sits up and pulls his shirt over his head, and by the time it's completely off Louis is back, bottle of lube in his hands.

“Can we do this somewhere not covered in fake money?” Nick says, and Louis rolls his eyes, grabbing his hand and pulling him up. At some point in the journey for lube, Louis had lost his pants, and they're both completely naked standing in the middle of the living room.

“Bedroom?” Louis asks, and then starts moving without waiting for Nick to respond, dragging him by the hand.

When they get there, Louis pushes and prods Nick into laying on the bed. Nick's perfectly happy to let him take control. He pulls Louis down to kiss him, one hand on the side of his neck and the other grabbing Louis' hip and pulling him in. They get a little caught up in making out, and after a while Louis pulls back.

“Shut up, stop distracting me,” he says, before moving back to grab the lube. Nick laughs.

“I wasn't _saying_ anything,” he says, and then his breath hitches as Louis grabs at his dick again, hand moving much easier this time with the aid of Harry's fancy lube.

“Harry has like, a whole fucking barrel of this stuff,” Louis says. “Like, who needs this much lube? It's too much for one human.”

“Can we not talk about Harry when you're hand is on my dick?” Nick says, panting slightly. Louis laughs and let's go, and Nick bites his lip on a whine. Louis grins down at him, reaching up to pinch at his nipple and snorting when Nick's whole body jerks in response. His other hand gently pushes at Nick's thigh until Nick takes the hint and spreads his legs, pulling them up and back.

Louis scoots back on the bed and seems to take a moment to appreciate the view in a way that makes Nick blush in a way he hasn't since he was much younger. Louis leans down to bite at Nick's hips teasingly, hands gripping Nick's thighs before moving downward.

Louis' got small hands, much smaller than Nick's, but he's efficient, and patient, and soon enough he has Nick writhing and pushing down on his fingers. Louis' not particularly loud, but he's talkative, murmuring endearments and encouragement into Nick's thighs.

“Just fucking get on with it already,” Nick says, breathless. He reaches his arms up to press his palms against the smooth headboard of the bed, pushing himself back.

“Jesus, alright,” Louis says, moving up to kiss at Nick's collarbone. “Just let me get the condom on.”

“Don't bother,” Nick says, suddenly fully preoccupied with the idea of Louis going in bare, “it's the end of the fucking world. You're the last man on earth. Just get on with it.” Louis looks at him disbelievingly, and then huffs out a laugh, pushing his fringe out of his eyes.

“So fucking pushy, alright,” he says, “if you're sure.” He lines himself up and pushes in slowly, groaning when he bottoms out, and it's brilliant. It's just on the right side of painful, and it's been way too long since Nick's done this. He loves it so much. Louis gives him a moment to reacquaint himself with the feeling, but it's not long until Nick is gagging for it, wrapping his legs around Louis' hips, toes curling.

It’s so good, and it’s been a while, so neither of them last very long after that, and it’s a bit of a blur of wow good yes for Nick until they’re both finished. Louis collapses at Nick’s side, panting into Nick’s shoulder. His sweaty hair is rubbing all on Nick’s bare skin, and it’s gross, but Nick’s everything is pretty gross so he just shifts a little uncomfortably, trying to catch his breath.

“So,” he says, still panting slightly. He’s no longer used to basically any form of exercise. “A whole barrel of lube, you say?”

“Like, two fucking barrels. A veritable shitload.”

“Well then,” Nick says, and when he turns over onto his side Louis is grinning suggestively at him. Nick huffs and flops back onto his back. “Let’s get on with it already.”

 

**DAY 63**

 

The game of Life is completely ruined. They hold a memorial for it.

 

**DAY 75**

 

Nick is a little screwed. Just the tiniest bit. Once you have an apocalypse to compare it to, dealing with crushes on boys is relatively easy to deal with.

They’ve been in this weird honeymoon phase. Only Nick isn’t sure Louis actually likes him all that much, and they don’t really do anything besides have a lot of sex, and also they’re stuck inside a house together with no electricity or running water. Logically, Nick knows Louis well enough to know that he wouldn’t regularly fuck someone he doesn’t like at least a little bit, and even before any dicks were touched they had been getting along fairly well. But there’s still a part of Nick that’s still sort of nervous about it all. He keeps thinking that Louis is only with him because there’s no other option, and he can’t shake the thought that he likes Louis a lot more than Louis likes him.

Even though every so often, he catches Louis looking at him with his eyes shining and his mouth pursed like he’s trying not to smile. It’s a lot easier these days for Nick to make Louis laugh, which makes him feel simultaneously honored and giggly, and Louis touches him freely and affectionately.

Before, their banter would usually end in a screaming match, or with Louis ignoring him outright, but at this point in their relationship it tends to lead to...other things. Nick is liking it way too much, liking _Louis_ way too much. And though it’s not like Louis can just leave Nick for someone younger and fitter (on account of all of those people probably being dead), Nick would like it very much if he was secure in the fact that, even if there _were_ someone younger and fitter than Nick, Louis would still like to spend his time with him.

Which is why he’s planned a date. The issue is in informing Louis that it is, in fact, a date, and not just a normal night spent surviving the apocalypse.

Before all this, Nick’s strategy would have been a nice candlelit dinner, some soft music, and several hours in the bathroom making up the perfect outfit and hairstyle.

Now, though, dinner has no choice but to be candlelit, and has been cold beans out the can for several days. There’s been no music for the longest time, and Nick aches with missing it (He’d caught Louis singing softly in the kitchen one morning, voice sweet and light, and it had been like a breath of fresh air. He’d stopped when he’d seen Nick, though, and Nick wasn’t sure how to go about asking him to do it again).

As for his appearance, Nick doesn’t even want to think about it. He figures if Louis is still willing to sleep with him when he smells disgusting and his hair flopping into his eyes like a dead thing, he must be doing _something_ right.

So what he does is he searches through Harry’s kitchen, pulling out a pair of nice bowls and dumping their customary bean dinner in them. They’d been eating their food right from the can for so long, but Nick figures they could handle dirtying up some dishes in the name of Romance.

He sets the food on Harry’s dining room table, which he doesn’t think they’ve ever actually used. It's a bit dusty, so he tracks down a dishtowel to wipe it down. By the time he's done, Louis' calling from the other room, wondering why it's taken Nick half an hour to bring them their dinner, when it usually takes about five minutes.

He runs his hands through his hair frantically, trying to mold it into submission, but it's a lost cause. Soon enough Louis is walking in, shirt rucked up from him scratching at his belly. He pauses when he walks in the doorway, taking in the scene before him. “Um,” he says, pulling his shirt back down and shuffling uncomfortably. “What's all this then?”

“It's um,” Nick says, “dinner.”

“Dinner?” Louis says, and then he purses his lips together in a way Nick knows means he's trying not to laugh.

“Dinner,” Nick says, before sitting at the table. “Because I don't know what sort of boy you thought I was, Tomlinson, but I don't usually put out without at least one date.”

“Right, and this is a date, then?” Louis says, sitting down at the table across from Nick. “Cold beans and one gulp of water each? You need to raise your standards a bit, mate.”

“I'm making do,” Nick says. “If you close your eyes, this is a five star restaurant.” He closes his eyes and picks up his spoon, going for the beans. He misses the bowl and hits the table.

“A five star restaurant selling cold beans from the can?” Louis says, even as he tucks into his own bowl. “Don't know what kind of five star restaurants you're going to.”

“Maybe it's like, a specialist restaurant,” Nick says. “With an apocalypse theme.”

“Probably costs an arm and a leg,” Louis says. “Rich people love that shit. Fifty pounds for a bowl of shitty baked beans.”

“Are you forgetting that you're sort of a rich person?” Nick says. “Money is useless now, but you technically have a lot of it.”

“Yeah but I'm not like,” Louis waves his hand around. “Like, I don't go to fancy restaurants and shit. I'm not like a _rich person_.”

“Well aren't you special,” Nick says. “I'm the opposite, like. I'll go to fancy restaurants and shit, but I'm not like _rich-rich_. I could probably do without going out so much, or otherwise find myself a nice rich man to buy me expensive things.”

“Are you implying something?” Louis says, mouth full of baked beans. “Are you only into me for my useless money?”

“Of course not, I'm in this for your table manners.”

“Right, gold digger,” Louis says. “But I guess if I could I'd take you out to nice places, it's not like I'm hard up for cash.”

“How kind and modest of you,” Nick says.

“I wouldn't take you to an apocalypse restaurant though,” Louis says. “That's shit. If you wanted shitty food I'd take you to get a kebab or something.”

“Only the finest cuisine for Louis Tomlinson.” Nick nods, taking one of his two gulps of water. “But would you really? Take me out? I know we got kind of pushed together.” He blushes a little, looking into his congealing beans. “And I'm just not sure if you'd. If you'd still like me if we weren't forced to spend time together? Or really if you like me at all? Because I really do like you.” He quickly shovels his last few bites of beans into his mouth after that, wishing he could choke on them.

“Uh,” Louis scratches his chin, not looking at Nick. “Well, um–“ Only he doesn't get to finish, because there's a huge crash, and when they look over there's not actually a wall on their left anymore, but a giant, red foot.

The both scramble backwards, staring up at what appears to be a giant that's just stepped through the roof. Nonsensically, Nick thinks that _of course_ this would happen during their first date. _Of course._

“Fuck,” Louis says, grabbing for Nick's wrist and pulling. “Fuck, Nick, we need to run.”

“Run _where_ ,” Nick wails, still staring up the giant leg. The thing turns then, huge yellow eyes looking down at them. It has a big, red dick swinging between it's legs, as long as a bus, and Nick feels a string of hysterical laughter bubble out of his mouth.

“Holy fucking shit we have to _go_ ,” Louis yells, and they're both running out the newly made holes in Harry's beloved mansion. It's the first time in weeks that they've seen the outside, and not much has changed. Basically everything is on fire.

“Oh my god,” Nick says, and they hear a giant footstep land behind them. “Oh my _god_ did you see its dick?”

“Of _course_ that's what you're focusing on right now,” Louis yells. He's still got Nick's wrist held tightly in his hand and, despite having much shorter legs, is moving much quicker than Nick is. “Of fucking course it is.”

“It was like, right there!” Nick yells, panting. He looks back and the demon is still following them, dick swinging. “You can't fucking look at anything else.”

“You can look _forward_ to where we need to be _running_ ,” Louis says, and for once he's making sense, so Nick focuses on that.

Harry's neighborhood is completely destroyed, ground black beneath their feet.  They run around overturned cars and piles of rubble, and Nick wasn't the most athletic person _before_ he was stuck indoors for two months straight so he just focuses on trying not to trip. They're lucky that the monster doesn't seem to be in a hurry, pausing every so often to kick down whatever buildings it comes across. Louis isn't even wearing shoes, but Nick still wonders if he's slowing him down. He doesn't have to wonder for long, because then Louis disappears.

“Oh god,” he says, and looks down into the ditch that Louis' just fallen into. “Are you okay?” Louis is clutching his ankle and Nick feels his heart sink. There's a deafening roar behind them and he yelps and starts making his way down to Louis.

“What the fuck are you doing? You need to run!” Louis says, voice pained. “I can't move like this.”

“I'm not going to just leave you here,” Nick says, pulling Louis' arm over his shoulder and struggling to stand. Together they hobble up and out of the ditch, Louis making pained noises every so often, and by the time they're out the demon is nearly to them.

There's no way Louis can put weight on his leg, so Nick turns to him. “I'm going to carry you,” he says, and he's not able to hide how unsure he is.

“Don't be stupid,” Louis says, “if you carry me we're _both_ going to die.”

“Louis, love, let's be honest,” Nick says, before crouching down in front of Louis, back to him, “we're probably going to die anyway.” The demon roars and it makes the ground shake. Louis doesn't say anything after that, just hops onto Nick's back and kicks at his sides like a horse.

“Fucking _move_ ,” he yells, and Nick starts running. Louis bounces on his back uncomfortably, arms around his neck, and Nick doesn't think he's ever been so scared of anything in his life. He also thinks that this is the fastest he's ever moved, regardless of Louis on his back. The giant footsteps start up again behind them, and Louis turns to look back. “Fuck you!” he yells, pulling his arm from around Nick's neck to flip the demon off. “Asshole!”

 _“Please_ don't offend the demon from hell! _”_ Nick yells, panting. He runs behind the remains of a tall building, setting Louis down and peeking around the corner back at the demon. He's not surprised to see it breathing fire everywhere. Of course it breathes fire. “Shit,” he says, turning back to where Louis is using the wall to stay upright. “You're going to have to stay here.”

“Are you kidding me?” Louis says, “you're just going to fucking ditch me?”

“Oh, _now_ where's the noble popstar who wanted me to leave him in a hole?” Nick says and rolls his eyes. “No, dickhead, I'm going to distract the thing, and you're going to limp back to Harry's. I'll meet you there.”

“Are you an idiot?” Louis yells, flailing his arms and almost falling over. “There's no way you're not going to be caught.”

“Thanks for the fucking vote of confidence, Louis. Just trust me for one minute,” Nick yells back. “Just let me distract it, and I'll like, hide or something, and as soon as it finds something else to chase after I'll come back.”

“It's going to _catch you_ and _eat you!_ ”

“Can you just listen to me for _once_? I'm trying to fucking save you!” Nick yells. Louis looks like he's about to say something else, brows furrowed and mouth open, but before he can there's a beam of light, a spotlight from the sky shining down on Nick.

“No,” Louis says, while Nick looks down at his illuminated body. “No, no, no.” He sounds panicked, and he hops his way over to Nick, grabbing his forearms.

“Oh my god,” Nick says. He floats up off of the ground and the two of them cling to each other. Louis hops up and wraps his legs around Nick's waist, arms tight around Nick's shoulders. Nick holds him up, wobbling. “You're coming with me. I'm not– you're coming with me.”

“Shit,” Louis says, looking down. They're flying up fast now, high above the wreckage of Los Angeles. “Shit, Nick.”

“It's okay, you're coming with me,” Nick says again, but Louis slips down, legs dangling. “You have to.”

“Nick, I don't think this is going to work,” he says, and his arms loosen slightly. Nick tightens his arms around Louis' waist. “Listen, back at dinner. I was going to say–“

“ _No_ , Louis. This has to work, it has to.”

“Will you _shut up_ Nick, I'm trying to say I _do_ like you. I didn't, before. But now, if everything wasn't fucked up I would still want to date you. _Shit_.” He pulls Nick's head down, kissing him hard. “I can't drag you down with me,” he says, “I can't.” And then, before Nick can say anything, he pries Nick's arms from around his waist and falls. Nick screams and reaches down, flipping wildly in the air. He watches Louis fall, arms flailing. 

A moment later there's a second pillar of light, and Louis is flying back up next to him.

“What the _fuck_ ,” Nick screams, and Louis cackles hysterically.

“Holy shit, I'm not dead,” Louis yells back. He reaches out and grabs one of Nick's outstretched hands. “I'm not dead!”

Nick grips Louis' hand tightly. “You're not dead,” he says, and then they're shooting through clouds into a burst of light.

 

**DAY 76**

 

Nick opens his eyes to a blur of white and the feeling of Louis' hand still clasped in his. He blinks a few times, and looks over to see Louis smiling at him. His hair is clean, which is something Nick hasn't seen in a while, and styled, and he's head to toe in white, down to the vans on his feet.

Nick looks down at himself to see he's wearing a _really nice_ white suit. It's just the tiniest bit glittery, which he loves, and for the first time in weeks he doesn't feel grimy or hungry. It's a strong look. He uses the hand not clasped in Louis' to grasp at his hair, done up in a quiff, and he could cry.

“Where are we?” he asks, awed, looking into Louis' eyes, the bright blue popping out in the sea of white.

“You're in heaven, obviously,” a voice says before Louis can answer, and Nick looks up.

“Ian!” he yells, and Ian shrugs, grinning. Nick lets go of Louis' hand to throw his arms around his friend. “Oh my god, it's so good to see you.”

“You too, Grim,” Ian says, patting him on the back.

“This is heaven?” Louis asks, stepping forward and slipping his hand back into Nick's once Nick lets Ian go. Ian looks down at their clasped hands and raises his eyebrows at Nick, who just shrugs and grins.

“Yep,” Ian says. “It's amazing. Anything you could ever want, all you have to do is think about it and you have.”

“Anything?” Nick says, before closing his eyes and wishing. Next thing they know, there's a bark from below and Nick looks down to see Puppy standing there, tail wagging frantically, with a golden iphone in her mouth. Nick shrieks.

“Of course you would wish for a cell phone,” Louis says, when Nick stands up, Puppy and phone cradled in his arms. “Everyone you care about is probably here, who are you going to call?”

“Well, what are you going to wish for first then? If you're so much better than me?” Nick asks, and Louis grins slyly. A moment later, seemingly from thin air, a familiar tune starts. Nick looks up over Louis' head and his jaw drops, and Louis turns around quickly to see what he's looking at.

Not too far away there's a giant stage, with four boys clad in white standing on it, giant smiles on their face. There's a huge crowd in white jumping in front of it, and Nick sees Liam look over at them and grin. He opens his mouth and sings the opening lines of _What Makes You Beautiful_.

Nick laughs loudly, hugging Puppy to his chest, and Liam hasn't even finished his first solo when Louis starts running, pushing his way through the crowd and climbing up after Zayn offers him a hand. A microphone appears out of thin air and Louis' singing, eyes squinted shut with how hard he's smiling.

Nick dances wildly with Ian, who tells him which of their friends he's seen, and that he's met with Nick's parents a few times, and Puppy barks wildly until Nick puts her down and she runs around his legs in circles. One Direction do a full concert, ending in a massive teary group hug, and after Louis jumps off the stage and into Nick's arms, kissing him.

Louis pulls away and they both ignore Harry cheering somewhere behind them. Nick doesn't think he's ever felt such intense relief and happiness as Louis turns back, still in Nick's arms, to call “So, Harry, do you have something you'd like to share about your mansion and the sexy secrets it contains?”

The look on Harry's face is worth every extra day they spent in mortal peril.

**Author's Note:**

> WOW SO...THIS WAS...YEAH
> 
> i'm sorry if any of this was like, problematic. please let me know if this offended someone? i'll change it, or delete it or whatever. it's hard adapting a movie that's so messed up. #myficisproblematic. i'm sorry
> 
> emma watson, if you've read this. i'm sorry again. i'm so ashamed.
> 
> this fic is unbeta'd and unbritpicked. as a result it's probably the worst of the fics i've ever written, and also probably the most American. this is also the first time i've EVER written smut. it probably fell flat. skip that scene
> 
> all that was taken from the movie this fic is based on is the line "i have a particularly explosive ejaculate" and i loosely adapted a few of the scenes. 
> 
> title is from "beady eyes on the horizon" by jukebox the ghost
> 
> here is my [tumblr](super-liam.tumblr.com) if you want to complain


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